Turn up the heat in your bedroom
Being parents is a lot of fun, and stress, but mainly fun. But, let’s not pretend it doesn’t make it hard when it comes to feeling sexy and finding “mummy and daddy” time.
I know. I have three kids, I get it.
So, let’s look at how we can reclaim our sexy side as a mother and a woman, without feeling like it’s just another thing to put on our to-do list. And how we can start to rebuild that spark as a couple.
Because great sex matters. And I say great sex, because nobody wants average, less than fulfilling sex, do they? No, we want to feel satiated, satisfied and so deeply seen and loved that it fills us with energy and life. That’s what great sex does and it’s the one thing that differentiates friends from lovers.
Where do we start?
It’s starts with you.
When we become mothers, our sexuality takes a massive hit. Not just bio chemically, but also physically, emotionally and from a mindset perspective too. Finding our balance and reconnecting to our body is our first step.
Balance is all about deciding that as much as all the “stuff’ needs to get done, that your pleasure is just as high on the priority list. And you balance the two, which means that sometimes you are going to just leave the other stuff and put yourself first.
Find pleasure in your body and give her lots of love. Because when we give love to our bodies and feel physical pleasure, whether that’s a 10-minute self-massage, a hot shower, a walk in the park, or a dance class, whatever it is, it lowers stress, balances our hormones, turns on our sexy side and increases all the feel-good hormones.
Here’s the thing, when we are constantly stressed (or just crazy busy) our brain registers that as flight or fight mode and effectively switches off our libido. Then, if we add the effects of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, feeling like a super chilled sex goddess is pretty much impossible.
So, start with finding more pleasure in your day. Just 5 or 10 minutes here and there can make a big difference.
But what about THIS baby body?
But what about my body, how am I supposed to feel sexy when I look like this?
That’s what you’re thinking right?
Firstly, your body is completely yours, to love, to own and to care for. Love her with nourishing foods and a healthy diet, move her in ways that make you feel good and joyful and tell her you love her. Earlier, I mentioned mindset, and this is part of it, it’s the belief that you must look a certain way to be sexy.
Not true, sexy is a state of mind.
I’ve seen conventionally “beautiful” women filled with insecurity and doubt – not sexy. Then, I’ve also seen 50+ year old women absolutely work it because they know their worth, own it and love it – now that’s sexy.
The body you have today will give you all the pleasure and sexiness you claim. If you’re on a path to reclaim your pre-baby body that’s great, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t love what you have in the meantime.
A practice I give my clients (and have done myself for many years) is mirror work. Just standing in front of the mirror naked and looking at your body with compassion and love. Then repeating a phrase like “I love my breasts for all the life they have given”. “I love my belly and it’s softness and femininity”, “I love my legs because they’re so strong”.
It’s about looking at yourself with love, affirming that love and changing the stories in your mind that tell you you’re not enough as you are. Because our turn on is attached to our emotional connection to our self and our partner – so let’s start with us. And then we can approach our partner…
So how are you feeling?
Have you had a conversation about sex?
Do you know how each other are feeling about your love life right now?
These are the conversations we avoid because we often don’t know where to start. My theory is this, keep it simple, kind and honest.
Having casual conversations about how things are going and what you’d love to see evolve can be powerful. The renowned Psychotherapist and Intimacy Specialist, Esther Perel, talks about generative communication, which basically means at the end of the conversation we are aiming to generate something between us, whether that means more connection, more understanding, more solutions.
It’s about taking blame, judgement and any kind of victim language off the table and using statements like “I miss the way we used to …” or “I would love it if we could …”. The key is to make these delicate conversations easier by being aware of how we can come to a better understanding of one another.
So, let’s say you’re both on the same page and desperate to get some action in the bedroom but one thing keeps getting in the way…
When the kids are ruining your sex life
What do you do when they’re always around?
Maybe they’re still climbing into your bed or, worse, sleeping in your room.
And this isn’t just a toddler problem. What happens when they get older and start staying up almost as late as you do?
The answer is a schedule. Yep, I know doesn’t sound romantic or spontaneous, but it works. And here’s why, because when you schedule in a sex date you show up – no if’s, no but’s. You show up willing and ready. That means, as you both know this is coming, you do everything you can to make it happen.
Maybe that means leaving work on time or getting some chores either done or put away until tomorrow. Making sure the kids go to bed on time (or even a little early if you can get away with it). If they’re sleeping in your room, can you move them while you get frisky? You can always move them back later (I have often, like a ninja, moved a sleeping child from my bed into their own, just to get some privacy).
It’s about doing what it takes to make sure that the two of you can have your date.
And, even though it’s not spontaneous, it can actually be more fun this way. Just imagine how much tease you can thread through your day, whether that’s texts or flirting, to build up to your evening plans. Oh, and that’s another upside – you have time to plan, so make it interesting.
Getting the sexy spark back in your bedroom
You’ve made it. The sex date is here and….
There’s no spark. Nothing, nada, zip. There’s nothing worse than bad sex. But don’t despair. It doesn’t mean that it’s the end for you. This is the perfect opportunity to discover a whole new world of pleasure.
So often, when we become parents, we stop looking at each other as lovers and sexual beings, and everything can start to feel very “team mate” if we’re not careful. This the problem with spark; it requires mystery, anticipation or longing.
We can have this as long-term partners and parents, it just takes a little effort.
Don’t turn up for your sex date in your nana pyjama’s. Before your partner gets home, go and get your “sexy on”, even if it’s just a nice dress. And the same goes for your partner. They need to show up in a way that they know is a turn on for you too.
And when it comes to sex, are you in a rut? Have you been doing the same thing year in, year out?
When we get to a point that we know what’s coming, it can kill the spark pretty quickly. Maybe it’s time to mix it up.
There are a million ways you can spice up your sex life, it’s just having the courage to break the old habits and try something new.
Ok, we’ve covered a lot here and so, let’s make this simple, with some clear action steps you can take to start getting your sexy spark back in the bedroom.
- Find some pleasure – do two things today that feel pleasurable in your body.
- Have a conversation with your partner about sex – Hahaha I know, scary, but honestly it doesn’t need to be. Just tell them how you’re feeling and what you’d like for the two of you. And remember, keep it simple, kind and honest.
- Plan a sex date – Pick one or two days per week that will be your date nights. And get it done.
These are simple steps you can take that will start to move you in the right direction. And if you’d love to learn more or would like to discover what kind of orgasmic pleasure is possible, come join me.
About Lindsay Bodhi
Lindsay is a Women’s Sex and Relationship Coach. She works with women who are looking for more. More love, more passion and more pleasure in their beds. By creating conscious, passionate relationships, soulful sex and feeling sexy in our own skin, she believes we can find everything we’re looking for.
Lindsay offers 1-1 coaching programs, online courses, workshops and lots of juicy freebies. Check out her FREE E-Book at www.lindsaybodhi.com/get-your-sexy-back-guide/