It’s almost a cultural script at this point: once you become a mother, exhaustion is just part of the deal.
People say it with a kind of resigned humour. “Sleep now while you can.” “You’ll never be rested again.” “This is what motherhood is.”
And in many ways, it’s not surprising that so many women feel permanently depleted. The expectations placed on mothers are immense. There are children to care for, work to manage, homes to run, relationships to maintain, and a constant mental load that rarely switches off. For many women, the pace never really slows.
So if you’re tired, it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means you’re responding to real demands, and often unrealistic demands placed on us by society.
At the same time, I don’t believe exhaustion has to be the defining experience of motherhood for years on end. Not because mothers simply need to “try harder” to rest, and not because the pressures disappear. But because the way we understand rest is often far too narrow for the reality of modern life.
When most of us think about rest, we imagine long stretches of uninterrupted sleep, a quiet afternoon on the couch, or a weekend away. Those kinds of breaks can be wonderful, but they are also the hardest to access when you are raising children and carrying a full life.
So many women I speak with feel trapped in an impossible equation. They know they need rest, but the circumstances around them make it feel out of reach. There are people depending on them. There are tasks that don’t wait. There are bills to pay and responsibilities that can’t simply be paused.
Layered on top of that is the internal pressure many mothers carry. The voice that says you should keep going. That resting means falling behind. That there’s always something more productive you could be doing.
It’s not surprising that rest ends up feeling like a luxury, or something that has to be earned once everything else is finished.
The problem, of course, is that “everything else” is never finished.
Over time, this leaves many women running on empty, believing that real rest isn’t possible in their current season of life.
What I’ve come to realise, both personally and through my work with women, is that part of the difficulty lies in how we define rest in the first place.
If our only picture of rest is a long, uninterrupted break, then most mothers will rarely experience it. But rest can take many different forms, and some of them fit much more realistically into the rhythms of everyday life.
Understanding this doesn’t remove the pressures that women face. It doesn’t magically create more hours in the day or erase the expectations placed on mothers.
What it can do, however, is open up new ways of restoring energy that feel possible even in the middle of a full life.
And that’s what I want to explore in this article.
Because rest is more complex, and more accessible, than many of us have been led to believe.
Rest is not a luxury
Rest isn’t something that should only be available to people with perfect circumstances or lots of extra support.
It’s a basic human need.
Most of us are moving through life at a pace that leaves very little room for recovery. Days fill quickly with responsibilities, decisions, messages, noise and expectations. It’s easy to move from one thing to the next without any real pause in between.
Over time, that constant output takes a toll.
Rest is what allows your nervous system to reset. It gives your mind space to process, your body time to recover, and your energy a chance to replenish. When you have enough of it, you tend to think more clearly, respond more calmly and handle challenges with more steadiness.
When rest is missing for long periods, the opposite tends to happen. Everything feels harder. Patience wears thin. Decision-making becomes more difficult. Many women find themselves pushing through exhaustion until their bodies eventually force them to slow down.
Rest is not an indulgence or a reward for finishing everything on your list. It’s part of how human beings sustain themselves over time.
We are designed to move in rhythms of effort and recovery. When those rhythms disappear, the strain eventually shows up somewhere, whether that’s in our mood, our health, or our capacity to cope with everyday life.
One of the reasons rest can feel elusive is that we tend to imagine it in very limited ways. If our only definition is a full night of sleep or a long break from responsibility, it’s easy to conclude that rest simply isn’t possible in this season of life.
But rest is broader than that.
Understanding the different ways our minds and bodies recover can open up possibilities that many women overlook.
Rest is not just sleeping
What activities come to mind when you think about rest?
Many people equate rest with sleep. Other activities we commonly classify as rest are going on a holiday (even a weekend away), scrolling on social media, or watching TV.
Sleep is obviously very important, but a bad quality sleep is far from restful. If you’d like some tips about how to sleep better, head to my blog on this topic. Scrolling on social media has actually been proven not to be restful, and it certainly doesn’t always make us feel good about ourselves, depending on what is in our feeds. Most of us actually need a break from our screens!
In reality, numerous options for rest that will truly restore us, which is great because it means we can each find the rest that suits our circumstances and needs best.
If you’ve ever found yourself still exhausted after doing whatever you consider rest to be, perhaps you need a different type of rest. If you’re relying on sleep alone for your rest, it is probably not enough.
The 7 types of rest
Saundra Dalton-Smith, M.D., author of Sacred Rest, identified 7 types of rest we need. Each of these 7 types of rest helps us unwind the stress we feel and replenish the energy we expend throughout each day. If you’re not getting the right type of rest to meet your needs and replenish the energy you use, you will still feel empty and drained.
PHYSICAL REST
We hold a lot of stress in our bodies, but often don’t take the time to pay attention to muscle tension, pain or discomfort before it is quite serious.
Physical rest involves using your body in restorative ways to decrease muscle tension, reduce headaches and promote higher quality sleep. Some examples are:
- Deep breathing
- Stretching
- Yoga
- Intentionally relaxing the tension in your body or face
- Taking a gentle walk
- Self-massage on points of tension.
MENTAL REST
If you feel like you can’t structure your thoughts or get your words out right, you might need mental rest. Perhaps you’ve been reading the same thing over and over, and it just won’t go in. Or maybe you’re overcome with negative thoughts or find yourself replaying all your mistakes and regrets at the end of the day. Our minds are constantly working and holding onto so much information. Mental rest is about quieting the chatter in your mind and focusing on things that matter. This can include:
- Taking a break from screens.
- Meditation.
- Deep breathing exercises focusing on your breath.
- Going about your daily activities mindfully.
- Repeating a calming affirmation.
- Doing a brain dump – writing all your thoughts on paper to release it from your mind.
- Using a written to-do list, rather than a mental one.
- Feeding your positive thoughts with inspiring things (music, art, reading something motivating).
SOCIAL REST
If you spend a lot of time with people who drain you and demand a lot from you, you may need social rest. Alternatively, you may feel withdrawn and alone in your struggles. Social rest is about recognising and engaging in relationships that refresh you, rather than those that exhaust you. You rest by limiting your time in those exhausting relationships where possible, and spending more time in the refreshing ones. The positive, supportive people who want to be with you. Some people will also need time alone to recharge.
EMOTIONAL REST
Do you ever feel like you just need to talk to someone you trust and with whom can be yourself? Or do you feel like you’re “performing” rather than being able to be yourself around others? If either of these is the case, you may benefit from emotional rest.
Emotional rest involves being free to authentically express your feelings and not having to engage in any people-pleasing behaviours or modify how you are. It’s about feeling connected and understood and being able to share what’s going on for you with someone who you can be honest with (even for just 10 mins, even via Skype or FaceTime). Perhaps you might find it useful to talk to a counsellor or psychologist. Alternatively, if you don’t have anyone available when you need them, journalling can also be useful.
SPIRITUAL REST
You may need spiritual rest if you are feeling like there must be something more to life or that what you’re doing isn’t meaningful or worthwhile. Spiritual rest is connecting beyond the mental and physical. To have a deep sense of belonging, love, acceptance and purpose. You can rest by engaging in something greater than yourself in your day to day routine, such as prayer, being part of a community or volunteering. Contribute to something meaningful and with a greater purpose.
SENSORY REST
Have you noticed that it’s harder to enjoy noisy environments, or that you are more sensitive to bright lights or scents? Are sounds making you jump? Our senses are working hard all day, and sometimes they need a rest too. Sensory rest is giving yourself an opportunity to lessen the endless sensory input from electronics, fragrances and background noise. You could try:
- Sitting in silence for a few moments.
- Closing your eyes for 2 mins.
- Dimming the screens on your electronic devices.
- Turn off music or other sources of background noise.
CREATIVE REST
You don’t have to consider yourself a “creative person” to engage in creative rest. If you can’t see the beauty in simple things, or are feeling generally uninspired, you may need creative rest. Creative rest involves allowing beauty to inspire and motivate us. Give yourself a break from always planning and problem-solving. Instead, read a book, go for a walk, enjoy nature or the arts, listen to beautiful music, and be mindful while you do it.
Intentional Rest
We can be intentional about choosing to rest, and rest in the ways that will really make a difference to how we feel and function.
I know it might seem a little overwhelming to think about incorporating all seven types of rest into your day. You may not need all seven every day. Practice tuning in to how you feel and what you need regularly. This will help you identify the type of rest you need. It also helps to identify how you use your energy throughout the day. For example, if you are sitting at a desk working all day, physical rest, such as stretching and massage, may replenish your energy.
Let me finish with an excerpt from Saundra’s book that really stood out to me:
“Rest is not for weaklings. Hollowing out space for rest is work. Finding time for rest is the hands and feet of the promises we long to claim. It means saying no. It means having limits with ourselves. It means having limits with others. It takes courage to rest in the midst of an outcome-driven society. It takes strength to walk away from good in the pursuit of better. The people-pleaser in me would rather say yes and omit the rest. I’ve found through the years that I can’t please anyone including myself when I’m burned out. Funny how everyone can smell the char of your slow burn except the one standing in the fire.”
Which type of rest do you need most right now? What will you do to provide yourself with that rest?
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